Personality – Mental Health Faith Liaison

your words hurt. (Photo credit: Amy Fleming)

If only my skin could be as thick as I pretend it is. I like to pretend that the saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is true in my life. However, in actuality it’s not. My skin is not thick and it never will be no matter how much I try to pretend it is.

And the fact is, I remember every negative thing that has happened to me whether in result of someone else or not.

My oldest memories involve me getting bit by a skunk and falling off a horse; both occurring when I was four years old.

I remember every time I was abandoned by my friends for someone else. I remember every time I’ve heard someone talking about me behind my back. I remember when my brothers bug me and hurt me both physically and mentally. I remember every time someone said something to me or about me that hurt whether they meant to or not.

I remember the times when I was sat during a volleyball game or a basketball game because I wasn’t good enough or I made a mistake. I remember the time when my basketball coach in grade 7 told me I wasn’t going to get any playing time during the playoffs because I wasn’t aggressive enough. I went to the game because it was in our home gym against a team that my cousin played on and the main reason I went was because of my cousin. I even found myself wanting to cheer for my cousin’s team because I was angry. I remember not going to the finals when my team made it there because I wasn’t going to play and I was still angry.

I remember one of my friends commenting on how it wouldn’t take much to paint my nails because they were so short. I even remember who it was who said it. I remember playing badminton during Phys. Ed when I missed an easy shot and one of my classmates who I was playing against laughed and said “easy point”. I also remember exactly who it was and who her partner was as well as how my partner was. I even remember where I was positioned on the court.

Maybe I just have an unhealthy memory because most of my memories are negative or at least the ones that tend to resurface.

It may be because of all these negative memories I pretend to have a thick skin. I don’t want people to see they hurt me with what they say or what they do.

I don’t let people see me cry. I could probably count on one hand the times when people other than my family have seen me cry in the last ten years. And even then my family hasn’t seen me cry very often. However, this doesn’t mean I don’t cry. I just cry when I’m by myself, often when I’m in my room with my door locked.

Is thick skin just a myth or is it possible to let what people say and do just roll off you? If you have found ways to let what people say and do not affect you please tell me your ways. I wish I had thick skin and would love to be able to if it’s possible.

A Thick Skin – an essential tool for a writer (thrillingwriting.wordpress.com)
Bark-like Strength (dentreciablanchette.com)
Words hurt. (myaisaacs.wordpress.com)
Letting Go (honestpuck.wordpress.com)

Being Told Not To Be An Introvert

I am an ashamed introvert. I’ve been an introvert my whole life, however, I’ve been told constantly that I need to be more outgoing or talk more even if people haven’t said it verbally.

It was always the talkative extroverts who had friends. People always wanted to hang around the extroverted outgoing people; not me. It seemed like everyone but me could make conversations with people easily while for me it was work. Even now, I generally hate small talk and won’t often participate in it except when someone else starts it and then they generally have to carry the conversation.

I was told indirectly by teachers I should talk more. Participation marks were my enemy because it meant I had to talk in class otherwise my marks would suffer and I prided myself on my marks in school.

I have also been told numerous times in not so discreet ways that I should be more talkative, more outgoing. “You should come out of your shell,” I’ve been told many times. Also, even in Christian groups such as youth group, camp, church, etc. I’ve been told many times to go out of my comfort zone and I should evangelize to people.

For an introvert, this is very hard to do. I can’t just go up to someone and evangelize to them because I can barely do with normal conversation never mind when it comes to my faith which is a topic that is offensive to some.

In essence, I’ve been told numerous times not to be an introvert and rather be an extrovert.

Ashamed Introvert

With all the ways I’ve been essentially told not to be an introvert and rather an extrovert, I’ve become an ashamed introvert.

I feel guilty for being an introvert a lot of the time. All the times, I’ve refused to go out and hang with people and instead stay home and do things by myself, I feel guilty.

Shame eats at me every time someone asks me what or if I have any plans for the weekend because my plans often involve me reading a book or multiple books and doing things by myself. I feel ashamed when I make excuses to myself as to why I can’t go to my college & career group (now they don’t even invite me anymore) and most of the time it is to watch sports or that I need that time to myself because I’ve worked 6 days a week.

Lately, I’ve realized why I feel like I don’t fit in when I do end up going to college & career. It’s because I am an introvert. Which doesn’t help me with wanting to go if I don’t fit in because of who I am.

I feel like I should be texting people more and hanging out with people more.

I’ve become ashamed of my introverted ways but can’t get myself to be more extroverted. I know I am an introvert but I’m also an ashamed introvert.

Jell-O Heart

I have a Jell-O heart. It only pretends to be solid. It feels every poke and prod that it receives. The Jell-O heart may look tasty and that it is solid but every little touch is felt in a bigger way than was meant. It doesn’t have much sustenance to it because it is only made of Jell-O crystals and water. It has no nourishment.

Knives are continuously being thrown its way even though many of the knife throwers are doing it subconsciously and unaware of the impact on the not-so-solid Jell-O. Knives that are not even thrown directly at the Jell-O seem to make a dent in the Jell-O.

The protective covering does nothing to help it either. The protective covering is like Saran wrap. It holds the Jell-O in one place but it does not keep it intact nor keep others from seeing it occasionally. It is very thin so it does nothing against the knives that are thrown its way.

As an ashamed introvert with a Jell-O heart, I know when I’m not wanted or even liked and don’t want to waste my time with those people and believe every lie about myself I’ve been told.

If your actions show me that you don’t want me around, it doesn’t matter what you say or believe because I will believe your actions. My Jell-O heart will try to avoid the pain that it will take if it tries to be around you if your actions prove that you don’t want me.