God can still use you

1 Kings 19:3-5a
“Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. ‘I have had enough, LORD,’ he said. ‘Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.’ Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.”

Elijah had just experienced what one could call a spiritual high; defeating Baal’s prophets by showcasing God’s power in having fire coming down from heaven and burning up a wet altar. Shortly after this, Elijah runs away into the wilderness because of fear and wishes to die. This was a mighty prophet who raised a boy from the dead, performed other miracles and great works, and was taken into heaven without dying. And here he is praying that he would die. He is at the end of his rope. This biblical hero, who is mentioned several times in the New Testament, is often seen as the representation of all the prophets, and appeared with Jesus at the Transfiguration, expressed a desire to die. (So did Moses who also appeared at the transfiguration but that’s a topic for a different time.)

Just because you struggle with suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar, OCD, or any other mental health challenge does not mean God can’t use you. It didn’t negate all that Elijah had already done or would do. God didn’t stop using Elijah because he was suicidal. God sent an angel to give him food and water and let him rest before calling him to the next thing. Your experiences and feelings don’t need to define you or stop you from serving God and others.

Interest in Online Mental Health Support Group?

I currently run an in-person mental health support group in Winnipeg and am considering starting an online one as well to run either once or twice a month. For the in-person group, the format is to start with a check-in with how people are doing, watching a video from a series or other material, and then discussion, and closing with prayer. If you are interested in an online mental health support group, please fill out the form below.

Goals for the Year Check-In

We are in the fifth month of the year so I decided to go back to see where I am at with the goals I made for myself at the beginning of the year and made comments below in red.

Creativity Goals

• Improve sports/action photography

Bought a higher end camera with a zoom lens end of March and have been playing around with manual settings. Will have more opportunity to take action photography starting later this month at dirt bike races.

• Complete audiobooks for books published

Completed one for Love Unrealized. Started on Breaking Free. Have 1 (or 2 if I do my brother’s biography) after that.

• Improve guitar playing (extreme beginner right now)

I have picked up my guitar about 5 or 6 days a month for about 45 minutes each session so I have improved somewhat.

• Blog regularly

I started off the year posting almost weekly but it fell to the wayside after a couple of months. I’ll try to get back to it.

Relational Goals

• Visit friends haven’t seen in a while

Got together with a friend who I hadn’t seen in 5ish years. Also, got together with another friend who I hadn’t seen in about 7 years.

• Learn to communicate better & bringing up things that are on my mind even if it makes me uncomfortable

I don’t know if I’ve improved on this but I’m working on it.

• Be more intentional in my relationships

I have done more initiating of conversations and get togethers but is definitely something that I still need to work on.

Spiritual Goals

• Memorize Scripture

Haven’t done this yet.

• Create a habit of prayer

Sad to say, I haven’t been good at this either so far.

• Delve into Scripture more

Started listening to two Bible podcasts, one which is slowly going through the book of Matthew and another which follows a Bible reading plan with some comments about that day’s passages. So far, we’ve made it through Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua, Judges, Ruth, 1 Samuel, and part way through 2 Samuel, 1 Chronicles, and Psalms

Missional Goals

• Take Mental Health First Aid course?

Haven’t done yet.

• Create mental health curriculum for churches/Christians

Haven’t done.

• Mental health sermon in church?

Have written some notes and a first draft sermon but that’s it.

• Commit to completing Certificate in Chaplaincy & Spiritual Care

Still going back and forth about whether or not I actually do this as I’m not sure if I have the time to do a practicum in Fall.

Health Goals

• Exercise regularly

I have been fairly consistent in doing a workout and average about 3-4 days a week. I have an app I use so I can keep track of my workouts and I’ve done a workout about 50% of the days this year so far. It has resulted in my clothes getting looser and I can tell I’ve gotten stronger.

• Eat more balanced meals

Some days are better than others.

• Eat more veggies

Have my moments but I need to be better at it.

• Break nail biting habit

This is something that hasn’t improved yet. Painting my nails help but I have to redo it every week and sometimes twice in one week.

• Spend less time on social media – break habit of reaching for it when I’m bored or trying to avoid uncomfortable emotions

There’s room for improvement but I think I’m getting better although there are bad days for this.

Other Goals

• Learn more about investing
• Churchill trip?
• Practice driving standard?
• Learn more about what my ancestors believed

Haven’t done any of these yet.

Selling my nature photos as stock photos

I enjoy taking nature photos. Nature is one of the things that I have always enjoyed and in my teens I started getting nature photos. It became a hobby of mine and recently I decided to try selling some of my photos as stock photos. View my portfolio on Shutterstock. I plan to keep adding to it and even bought a higher end camera than I already had.

We are like books that need repair

Originally posted May 3, 2018, on my old blog

Before and after of book repair

I work in a library and the other day I was repairing books that had pages falling out, the spine/cover was no longer attached, etc. As I was sitting there ripping pages from the spine so I could repair the book better, my mind went to how similar that was to my story.

There was a point in my life when I was broken – my pages were becoming unattached, but they were still hanging on.

Quick fixes weren’t working. My pages would just keep separating from the spine. They helped temporarily but didn’t last long before I would need to be repaired again.

Eventually, it got to the point where my pages had to be ripped out so they could be glued in properly.

But like with some books, if you looked from the top, you could see that I had been glued back together. The pages were securely attached but the scars remained.

In a way, we’re all like books. We have different covers and contain different stories and information. Some of us are paperbacks and are more fragile to breakage. Others are hardcovers – longer-lasting but when they do need fixing, it’s a major one. Some brokenness is easy to see and others you only see once you open the cover. Some problems are easy to fix, others are more of a process. Some have scars from being fixed, others are hardly noticeable. Some are loved by many and others are cherished by a few.

But regardless of which one we are, we were created for a purpose and none of us will last forever. Even if our stories remain, the book itself does not. But we’ll always have a special place in the author’s heart.

Mountain Fall

I sit atop my mountain, feeling like everything is fine. Without warning, I find myself slipping down the mountain. I look down and see the jagged rocks sitting at the bottom. This shocks me into trying to hold onto anything and manage to catch hold of something.

Knowing that it won’t be able to hold me for long, I look around. I see people on top of their mountains. I want to scream out to them for help as they are unaware of me falling. Something holds me back from yelling to them.

Feeling alone, my grip starts to slip. Suddenly the thing I was holding is ripped from my hands and I’m falling again. Multiple times I grab something only for it to slip away from my grasp. Knowing the rocks lying below are getting closer, I begin to hyperventilate along with falling to my destruction.

I’ve fallen off my mountain before but the rocks weren’t as jagged the previous times. It’s been harder to climb back to the top each time but I’ve done it. I fear this time when I reach the bottom, there will be nothing left of me. This may be my last fall. It may be the fall that finally breaks me and I won’t be able to recover.

My mind wonders about the possibility of the finality of this fall when I snag something. Desperately, I hold onto the branch. I am only a couple of feet from the looming rocks. There are no more branches or anything I could hold onto between me and the rocks. My time is almost up and I cry out in desperation.

Just as the branch falls out of my grasp, a hand grabs my arm. I look up into Jesus’ loved filled eyes. I realize that when I thought no one was aware of me falling, He was there wanting to help but waiting until I called out. I begin to feel peace with Him holding me from falling to my destruction.

He lifts me up and carries me to the top of the mountain again. Once we reach the top, He sits down and just holds me in His arms. I feel all the love I ever needed in His arms. He reassures me He is always there watching over me and He wants to help every time I start falling, but He needs to know that I want His help. After an hour of sitting there with His strong arms around me, He leaves but not before reminding me He is still watching over me.

Once I am alone again on that mountain, I raise my hands in praise of my Savior. I stand there with my arms outstretched high above my head with my eyes closed for a time I am unaware of because I am caught up in the praise of His majesty. Knowing I am not truly alone, I am able to go on and stand on my mountain.

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I wrote the preceding over ten years ago when I was going through a really rough time mentally and emotionally. I found myself falling into a depression which I had gone through on and off for close to ten years at this point, but the summer I wrote this, I would find myself having depressive episodes that would last for several days (sometimes a week or longer) where my will to live was virtually non-existent, and suicide was a real possibility. I found myself slipping into another depressive episode and that is when I wrote the above.

When my church conference was doing an art contest in 2021, and one of the categories was short stories, I pulled it out again and edited it to meet their word count criteria. They published it here.

Let’s give ourselves grace this year

All-or-none thinking – a lot of us do it and I believe is one of the biggest reasons why new years resolutions fail. We make these high standards for ourselves and then when we make one slip up, we throw the standards away saying we could never meet them anyway. Instead of getting back up and trying again, we give up.

This is something I definitely do. I joked a few weeks ago, that there were many things I would love to learn if I didn’t have to go through the process of actually learning it. I don’t like to fail and unfortunately, I’ve let that fear stop me on numerous occasions from trying something new. I didn’t want to fail in front of others.

I lead a mental health support group and I have said on numerous occasions that we need to give ourselves grace. It is a hard thing to do – to give ourselves the grace to mess up. A lot of us find it a lot easier to give grace to someone else than to ourselves. We need to give ourselves the grace to mess up every once in a while. And we can’t stop reaching for our goals just because we failed once.

I need to keep reaching instead of either never trying because I might fail or not trying again because I failed once. You may need this reminder too – that it’s okay to mess up. It’s okay to not be perfect every day. It’s a part of life and a part of being human. We need to get back up and keep trying.

Goals for the Year

It is the start of a new year and a time where a lot of people look back on the year that was and make resolutions to make changes for the following year. I am a lot better at the looking back than looking forward part of the calendar change. About a week ago, I was challenged by someone close to me about what I wanted for the future and I struggled for an answer. I don’t know where I see myself in five years so I have been wrestling with that for the past week. So, I am sharing here what goals I wrote down for this year, which will hopefully keep me more accountable and give me more motivation to work on them.

Creativity Goals

• Improve sports/action photography
• Complete audiobooks for books published
• Improve guitar playing (extreme beginner right now)
• Blog regularly

Relational Goals

• Visit friends haven’t seen in a while
• Learn to communicate better & bringing up things that are on my mind even if it makes me uncomfortable
• Be more intentional in my relationships

Spiritual Goals

• Memorize Scripture
• Create a habit of prayer
• Delve into Scripture more

Missional Goals

• Take Mental Health First Aid course?
• Create mental health curriculum for churches/Christians
• Mental health sermon in church?
• Commit to completing Certificate in Chaplaincy & Spiritual Care

Health Goals

• Exercise regularly
• Eat more balanced meals
• Eat more veggies
• Break nail biting habit
• Spend less time on social media – break habit of reaching for it when I’m bored or trying to avoid uncomfortable emotions

Other Goals

• Learn more about investing
• Churchill trip?
• Practice driving standard?
• Learn more about what my ancestors believed

Tarangela Mental Health Blog

The change is now complete. Yesterday, I wrote my first post on the new blog that is focused on mental health. The new blog is titled Tarangela Mental Health. Please check it out and I hope to see many of you there.

Because of this change, I will no longer be posting on this blog. I will keep it open, at least for now, but it will be inactive. Thank you to those of you who read this blog and those who wrote comments.

The Librariosphere Blog

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that there were going to be changes coming to this blog. The first change is now up and running.

Now, everything I write about regarding books, writing, libraries, etc. will be on The Librariosphere blog. So if you want to read things regarding any of those things, you will have to go to that blog. The address for that blog is librariosphere.wordpress.com

As a result, this blog will go through a rebranding phase where it may lay dormant (no posts) for a while. I’m not sure how long this rebranding process will take, but I will try to keep posting while it happens.

Thank you to all my readers who have been here throughout the years.