The New Me and Old Friends

On Saturday, I had a Grad 2010 girls reunion. I dreaded going to it. We had only graduated high school three years ago but I hadn’t talked to many of them since then. I also knew how much I had changed in these three years after high school that I wasn’t sure how much they had changed too and in what way they had changed. I didn’t want to revert back to my old self while I was with them and I didn’t know if I would still even get along with them. I also had always felt like an outcast while in high school. I don’t think I ever really was but I always felt like it probably because I wasn’t outgoing nor talked enough. I was never really invited to things once we reached high school. I also never had a cell phone back then so I often didn’t hear about things until later. But because I had told some people that I was going to go, I had to. That’s just the kind of person I am. Once I make a commitment to something or someone I stick to it.

So, I went, although I definitely had some symptoms of my anxiety half an hour to an hour before leaving. When I arrived there were only a few people there although there were only nine of us girls in our graduating class. Right away, I found out that I wasn’t going to retreat back into my old self. I talked a lot more than I did back in high school when with a group and I said things that I probably wouldn’t have said before because I would have been too scared to say them.

Overall, I enjoyed my time. We talked and said what we were all doing now. We ate snack and had a fire. Around the fire, we roasted marshmallows. We talked about former classmates from our years in school and from our graduating class. Our school was fairly small so we knew everyone in our class. We reminisced about stories and events that happened throughout our school years.

At one point, someone asked if we wished we were back in high school. I honestly had to say no. I don’t really miss it because that was back when I would cry myself to sleep and I felt like an outcast and it bothered me. I’ve grown so much since high school, even though it was only 3 years ago and who knows where I would be today if I hadn’t grown and reached out about my struggles. I don’t even want to think about where I’d be if I hadn’t taken some of the steps I’ve taken.
Without some of the steps I’ve taken in the past three years,I may very well be six feet down with my body wasting away. I also wouldn’t have met some of the people I’ve met over my three years at SBC and met all those wonderful people.

So no, I do not wish I was back in high school but I did enjoy reminiscing and hanging out with people I haven’t since high school and still being the me I walked out of SBC as.

Get Depressed or Get Angry

Today I can’t pretend that all is well with me. Yesterday my favorite hockey team got trounced in a playoff game making tomorrow’s game an elimination game. So I was already mad because of this. Then my brother told me that apparently the whole school which I graduated from three years ago hates my team because of me. He said that there were people who were bashing me because I call them my boys and because I post so many statuses about them on facebook when I know for a fact that many other hockey fans that post way more than I do.

Now it’s one thing to dislike the team I cheer for but it’s another to hate them because of me. Now, I don’t know about the rest of you but when someone hates my team because of me it affects me.

To be honest, I almost got depressed. My heart was telling me how alone I am and how much negativity I’m surrounded by. I wanted to cry but wouldn’t let myself. My heart was telling me that I should just stop posting things for people to see since they would just criticize it, hate me or hate someone or something that I really care about.

After a little pity party and standing on the precipice of depression, my brain started fighting back. Why should I care if people I don’t really talk to hate me? It is things like these which made me depressed before and why should I give them the power to make me depressed? I’m a loner, so what? Deal with it. Once you’re done the library program and have money to do so, move away from here and never have to deal with these people again.

So, instead of getting depressed, I got angry. On facebook, I even told people to delete me if they were going to hate me and my team because I call them my boys. I told them that I don’t need those types of people in my life and that it was partly because of them that I’ve struggled with sharing anything with anybody. At that point, I didn’t care what people thought about that and I still don’t care. I honestly don’t need those types of people in my life. I’m still kind of angry but nearly as much.

If you don’t like what I write or what I say, you don’t have to read/listen to it. No one is forcing you to. I’ve gone long enough without saying anything. This blog is one place I feel free to be myself and I won’t let those people take that away from me. I won’t let them shut me up because if I do, it will be hard for me to let people in again and they may just shut me up forever.

(Sorry for ranting like this but I could say a whole lot more and I just wanted to get this off my chest.)

Applying for College

Greetings! Just giving you a little glimpse into my life these past few months.

For the past couple of months, I’ve been in the process of applying to go to college once again in the fall but this time at a different college. It’s been a long process. First off, I had to do the normal applying by filling out a form saying I was interested in applying at the college. Then for my program, I had to send them a 2 page autobiography, as well as transcripts from high school and from the Bible College I attended. Then, I had to wait for them to send me a letter telling me I had to make an appointment for a Reading Assessment Test. So I set up the test which involved me waking up early on a Monday morning to get there and take the test which took me less than an hour, then, eat lunch and head out to the Bible College I went to because I had class in the afternoon. After this test, I had to wait for another letter that was supposed to let me know if I got into the program or if there were other steps in the applying process. I finally got the letter which told me that I needed to have an informational interview at the college with two of the faculty of the program. The interview was scheduled for a few weeks later. So at this point, I was getting kind of frustrated because it was already two months after applying and I still didn’t know if I would get into the program.

Meanwhile, I got a phone call from the library where I worked last summer asking me if I could start the day I was scheduled for the interview. So, I had to tell them that I couldn’t start that day but the next day. They said that was okay. However, in my head I was thinking was I cheating them because the position that I was to be taking was supposed to go to a student since they get government grants and at that point I didn’t know for sure if I was going to be a student in the fall.

When the interview date finally came, I’m like please let this be the last step as it was already May. The interview took maybe 10-15 minutes so it seemed fairly short but I did have to answer questions and show them I could research things on the internet. After the interview they told me that the admissions person would be in contact with me in about a week letting me know if I got in or if there were other steps. I prayed that there were no more steps.

I was waiting for this letter of course and a week came and passed and no letter. If it was two weeks after my interview and I hadn’t gotten the letter yet, I was going to call them and see what was going on. This past Friday, a weekend short of being two weeks, I finally got the letter which told me that I got into the program. Reading the letter, it told me I had to pay a deposit fee by the end of this week. I thought oh no, how am I going to pay this. With Monday being a holiday here in Canada, I knew that mailing the deposit wasn’t going to get there on time. I also don’t have a credit card so I couldn’t phone in and pay that way unless using my parent’s credit card. There was also no way I was going to drive into the city which is half an hour away but it would take at least an hour to get to where I would need to pay just to pay the fee. There was a fourth option of paying through online banking so I tried it as it was my best shot of getting the deposit in in time and it worked!

So the process of applying and getting my acceptance letter has been a long one but I’m finally in and now will have to plan for the next two years as the program lasts for two years so it’s not too long. Now other questions will have to be answered but those can wait for a little while as I’m finally glad that I can say with certainty what I’m doing in the fall. I no longer have to say “I plan to…” and now can say “I am/will…” when asked what I plan to do next year.

I, Angela Suzanne Dueck, will be going to Red River College in Winnipeg and will be taking their Library and Information Technology program come the fall.

Reading Emotions

Libraries are wonderful things. You meet all sorts of people and get to see what kind of books out there. It is also a wonderful place to get inspiration for writing. If you stay a while in the library you get to see what kind of books people like to take out and what kinds of people take out certain books. It’s also full of research material that you can use for the research for your writing.

I love books! Whether I’m reading them or writing them, I love them and I don’t know if I could live without them. You can learn so much from non-fiction books. They contain a plethora of knowledge that is available at your fingertips. And who doesn’t love getting swept up by a novel? Okay, not everyone does but I sure do! Through a good novel, I can travel the world and experience things I wouldn’t normally get to experience. I love getting swept up into a story where I feel what the characters are feeling. In a way I get to live vicariously through the characters of novels as well as through the characters I create.

For me, that is what makes a good novel. When I get carried away and feel what the main characters are feeling. If I am feeling along with the characters, the author has done their job. This is what I try to do with my novels. I try to write my characters and the story in a realistic way that will draw the reader into their story and their lives. Writing fiction is all about drawing the reader’s into the story that is being played out in front of them.

In a way a good author plays on the emotions of the reader and maybe this is why females are more likely to read books. I’ve been wondering this recently; why do adolescent/teen boys not read very much? From working in a library, I do not see many adolescent/teen boys come in to take out books. Oftentimes when they do come in it’s because their family comes in or they come to use the computers; occasionally they come to take out movies but even then it’s not very often. I started wondering why that was a few weeks ago and how one could get adolescent/teen boys reading again.

Now I may have my answer. Typically, guys do not like emotions and do not like to talk about them. Books, at least novels, tend to play on the reader’s emotions and maybe that’s why when boys get older they do not read as much. They do not read fiction because they look at the story too critically and without emotion so they don’t find the story interesting.

However, people often forget about non-fiction books. There are non-fiction books about almost anything and you can read them at whatever pace you like. Maybe what needs to happen is for someone to focus on writing for adolescent/teen boys but find out what they would like to read and write about that. In my opinion someone should figure out a way to get adolescent/teen boys to read as well as girls. This may end up being me or someone else.

As a proverb says, “Those who do not read are no better off than those who cannot.”

Where My Writing Is

Buenas tardes! Good afternoon! I hope this post finds everyone having a fine day. I have some exciting news or at least for me it’s exciting. I have a few books in the works.

I am currently working on a new novel which I am super excited about. I’ve been excited about it since I thought of the idea for this novel towards the end of last summer. However, it has been slow going in writing it because when I got the idea for the novel it was close to the end of summer and I went away back to college in the fall and didn’t really have time to write a whole lot aside from assignments. I am still excited about it even almost a year has past since the idea bloomed. It is my major project right now and I will continue working on it this summer but I have no time table as to when it will be done. I hope to update you on my progress in the coming months.

In the meantime, I am also working on putting out a revised edition of a book I wrote a few years ago about suicide and depression. I am hoping to have the book published by the end of the summer so you can hold me to it. I will also update you on the progress of this 2nd edition as well.

Another idea I’ve had but this one may take a while as well is publishing a short story/poetry anthology. This one is more just an idea for now but I plan to possibly put it into motion sometime in the coming years. For those who don’t know what an anthology is, it is a collection of various works, in this case short stories, poetry or both, in one book.

I also have plenty of other ideas of books I want to write but those will take a little longer as I don’t want to develop too many ideas at one time. I need to space myself out a little so I don’t get overwhelmed and end up writing none of them or losing the excitement I have for them.

That’s a little update from my writing desk to wherever this post finds you.

Why, Hello There

Good afternoon readers! Okay, by the time you are actually reading this it probably isn’t the afternoon anymore but it’s the afternoon now and is someone else if it’s not where you are. Right now, I’m at my local library and looking out the window. From where I sit, I can see children playing (there’s a daycare across the yard), trees swaying in the wind and the clouds saying they are wanting to bestow upon us some rain all the while the sun is trying to budge through the clouds and spread its sunshine.

I sit here thinking off all the things I want to do today, tomorrow, this week and beyond. As some people have said women are like spaghetti. This is seemingly true for me. I can think of many things at once and sometimes the thoughts tumbling through my brain seem like the most random thoughts ever. Maybe this is why I make so many lists; to bring some order to my thoughts.

I know I haven’t updated this blog since my first book released. I have another blog where I post more personal blog posts and more random posts. I already had the other blog when I started this one and initially I was going to keep this blog just about my writing. However, I am thinking that the readers of my books and the readers of my blogs should be united into one group. I found myself writing on my more personal blog and not writing on this one. But I have decided to remedy this. Starting this week, I will be combining the two into one blog so my readers, whether they read my blogs, my books or both, can be united and get to know all of me and not just part of me.

I was reading just the other day that readers of authors like to get to know them and their personality so I thought combining my two blogs would be a good idea. I won’t be deleting the other blog but rather I will only post on this one so if people want to read the posts from the other blog they can.

In my next post, I will update you on books that are currently in the works.

P.S. If you want to read my other blog a link can be found in the about page. Also, as I’ve been sitting here and writing this, the clouds have moved on and the sun has won because it is now shining its rays on everything outside.