Ashamed Introvert with a Jell-O Heart

Being Told Not To Be An Introvert

I am an ashamed introvert. I’ve been an introvert my whole life, however, I’ve been told constantly that I need to be more outgoing or talk more even if people haven’t said it verbally.

It was always the talkative extroverts who had friends. People always wanted to hang around the extroverted outgoing people; not me. It seemed like everyone but me could make conversations with people easily while for me it was work. Even now, I generally hate small talk and won’t often participate in it except when someone else starts it and then they generally have to carry the conversation.

I was told indirectly by teachers I should talk more. Participation marks were my enemy because it meant I had to talk in class otherwise my marks would suffer and I prided myself on my marks in school.

I have also been told numerous times in not so discreet ways that I should be more talkative, more outgoing. “You should come out of your shell,” I’ve been told many times. Also, even in Christian groups such as youth group, camp, church, etc. I’ve been told many times to go out of my comfort zone and I should evangelize to people.

For an introvert, this is very hard to do. I can’t just go up to someone and evangelize to them because I can barely do with normal conversation never mind when it comes to my faith which is a topic that is offensive to some.

In essence, I’ve been told numerous times not to be an introvert and rather be an extrovert.

Ashamed Introvert

With all the ways I’ve been essentially told not to be an introvert and rather an extrovert, I’ve become an ashamed introvert.

I feel guilty for being an introvert a lot of the time. All the times, I’ve refused to go out and hang with people and instead stay home and do things by myself, I feel guilty.

Shame eats at me every time someone asks me what or if I have any plans for the weekend because my plans often involve me reading a book or multiple books and doing things by myself. I feel ashamed when I make excuses to myself as to why I can’t go to my college & career group (now they don’t even invite me anymore) and most of the time it is to watch sports or that I need that time to myself because I’ve worked 6 days a week.

Lately, I’ve realized why I feel like I don’t fit in when I do end up going to college & career. It’s because I am an introvert. Which doesn’t help me with wanting to go if I don’t fit in because of who I am.

I feel like I should be texting people more and hanging out with people more.

I’ve become ashamed of my introverted ways but can’t get myself to be more extroverted. I know I am an introvert but I’m also an ashamed introvert.

Jell-O Heart

I have a Jell-O heart. It only pretends to be solid. It feels every poke and prod that it receives. The Jell-O heart may look tasty and that it is solid but every little touch is felt in a bigger way than was meant. It doesn’t have much sustenance to it because it is only made of Jell-O crystals and water. It has no nourishment.

Knives are continuously being thrown its way even though many of the knife throwers are doing it subconsciously and unaware of the impact on the not-so-solid Jell-O. Knives that are not even thrown directly at the Jell-O seem to make a dent in the Jell-O.

The protective covering does nothing to help it either. The protective covering is like Saran wrap. It holds the Jell-O in one place but it does not keep it intact nor keep others from seeing it occasionally. It is very thin so it does nothing against the knives that are thrown its way.

As an ashamed introvert with a Jell-O heart, I know when I’m not wanted or even liked and don’t want to waste my time with those people and believe every lie about myself I’ve been told.

If your actions show me that you don’t want me around, it doesn’t matter what you say or believe because I will believe your actions. My Jell-O heart will try to avoid the pain that it will take if it tries to be around you if your actions prove that you don’t want me.


6 comments on “Ashamed Introvert with a Jell-O Heart

  1. Thank you =)
    Wish you the best =) ^^

  2. It’s a good article you have there! Susan Cain’s Quiet:The Power of Introverts is a really good read for us. Nothing wrong with being an introvert, nothing to be ashamed of. There are good points that introverts have, which extroverts will never be.

  3. I feel the pain in your writing, Angela. I’m sorry it’s been that way for you. It’s been that way for me too–still is, in some ways. God has made you an introvert–heck, your writing gifts, your book reading, your ability to contemplate, those are gifts you’ve been given to accomplish your purpose. I hope we both come to a place where we can accept those things about ourselves.

    One thing I’ve struggled with is learning how to make conversation. I’m still not great at starting conversations, but I’ve found that being a introvert, my listening skills are pretty good and a huge part of conversation is actually listening. That sure works well if the conversation partner is an extrovert. They can talk all day. I just have to ask the odd question. With an introvert… well that’s a riddle I haven’t cracked yet.

    • Angela says:

      Yes, God has made me an introvert. I do, however, sometimes wonder what the purpose is of my so-called gifts. I’m not accomplishing anything while reading aside from my own entertainment. I contemplate a lot but it gets me nowhere. Also, my writing doesn’t seem to impact anyone so I’ve wondered what my purpose is. Is it just to keep me from going insane or am I going insane because of my “gifts”? I’m sure there’s a purpose. I just don’t know what it is.

      I am usually fine when talking to an extrovert for the most part because they carry the conversation and for the most part I just listen while with introverts, who I’m not close friends with, it’s a lot more challenging and I often feel awkward because I feel like I should be saying something.

  4. Ayin Calderon says:

    Thank you for the pingback! šŸ™‚

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