Problems Galore in Myself and Others

Glazomania

I am a glazomaniac. I am sure most people probably don’t know what this is. I had never even heard about until a few days ago. Glazomania is a passion for list-making.

I make lists like crazy. Sometimes I do it without even realizing I’m doing it. I would probably average writing 1 list a day if I were to try to figure it out.

to do

to do (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

If you were to go through my bag, my room, and my phone, you would find tons of lists.

In my room, I have two calendars on my wall, plus a calendar on my phone. I have a list of fiction books I want to read that I do not own, a list of non-fiction books I do not own but want to read as well as a list of all the books I own with the ones I’ve read crossed off.

I also have a list of blog ideas, long-term projects I want to do, possible book ideas, shopping lists and numerous to-do lists. I also have tons of lists that involve the book I’m currently working on as well as about my already published book.

I love making lists! Often when I’m bored, especially at work, I make lists. I sometimes try to think of something I can write down to make into a list.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

Mexico: Monopoly Deal at Hotel La Siesta in Ma...

Mexico: Monopoly Deal at Hotel La Siesta in Mazatlan (Photo credit: eliduke)

I am also slightly obsessive-compulsive. When I went on my trip to Mexico in January, I told people in my group I am borderline OCD and there was one guy in particular who liked to use that against me and annoy me. The game of the trip was Monopoly Deal and I would always hold my cards a certain way and have them the right side up. I would not hold them upside down. A guy in our group would constantly mess around with the piles of cards so they were not straight. It bothered me and he knew it.

I like things in order and like them to be a certain way. Sometimes I contribute this to my perfectionism, although I’m not a perfectionist about everything.

Social Anxiety

I also have social anxiety, which anyone who read my old blog would know as I talked about it many times on there. I fear what people think of me and fear messing up. I have gotten better in regards to my social anxiety but I still need to work on it. I won’t bore you too much with my social anxiety but you can check out my old blog angeladueck.wordpress.com if you want to read more about it.

Everyone Has Problems

As you can see, I have problems. But that doesn’t make me different. Everyone has problems. No one is unique in this way. We all have problems of some sort. I may be more aware of mine or admit them more readily than some people but I am still a human being.

I sometimes make myself appear more troublesome on here than I am. It’s not that I necessarily try to but I find it easier to write about my problems and I’m constantly aware of them.

Most people won’t recognize our problems if we don’t tell them. I’ve been told by someone they wouldn’t have taken me as an anxious person. Numerous people have also told me I’m a people person which almost contradicts my social anxiety.

Problems are Opportunities

Problems are Opportunities (Photo credit: DonnaGrayson)

The same probably goes for you. You may have a problem with depression, anxiety or something else that people don’t realize but rather see you as what appears opposite of it. People may say you always appear so happy, yet you struggle with depression. They don’t know your inner struggles unless you’ve told them about it.

You may not want to talk about your inner struggles with people because it’s hard and you fear they will judge you for it. I know I’ve feared what people would think of me if they knew about my inner struggles.

However, I think talking about our struggles allows us to know we’re not alone in our struggles and allows us to seek help if we need it. It also helps people to understand us better. People don’t judge us as much as we think they will when they hear what we struggle with. They may just surprise you in a good way.

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The Possibility of Meeting with an Anxiety Group

Anxiety - Stress ... Time management vital for...

Anxiety – Stress … Time management vital for finals — cancel your Netflix subscription (7:45 PM, Nov. 28, 2012) …item 2b.. Muddy Waters – After The Rain – Full Album (1969) … (Photo credit: marsmet481)

The other day, I received a letter from a hospital in downtown Winnipeg about partaking in one of their anxiety groups. At the beginning of last summer, I attended two sessions of a quick start to overcoming anxiety program at the hospital I had been referred for by the psychiatrist who works with my mental health worker that I had been seeing last year. The letter I received from the hospital said I should contact them if I want an appointment to see if I would be a fit for one of their anxiety groups. Part of me wants to just let the deadline they set for contacting them pass without calling them so I don’t have to go.

I mean, I’ll have to meet with people I don’t know, which I don’t enjoy doing. I’ll have to go to downtown Winnipeg, either by driving or by taking the bus. Both don’t excite me and I can’t always have my mom come with me which is what I normally do in these types of situations. I’ll have to go downtown by myself and I could totally make a fool of myself at any time.

I’ll have to talk about my problems face-to-face with people I don’t know which scares me. I will undoubtedly feel anxious and may even throw up because of it. (Nausea is one of the symptoms I get when I am anxious and I have thrown up numerous times because of it.)

English: Signs & Symptoms of Anxiety

English: Signs & Symptoms of Anxiety (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I don’t need to go, right? I’ve improved enough in my anxiety disorder I don’t need to go, right? I can handle this on my own. It may be beneficial but I don’t need to go.

Oh, who am I kidding. The very fact that I don’t want to go should be evidence enough I should go. Anyone could read what I’ve written here and know that I should probably go.

But it’s so scary. I know a lot of people won’t understand this. Making the phone call itself scares me.

Why can’t I be like most of the people I know? They seem so sure of themselves. They do new things all the time without a second thought.

Why can’t I strike up conversations with people and make it look easy? Why can’t I make and answer phone calls without dreading them? Why can’t I do things without worrying about everything?

Why do I have to get anxious and feel like I’m going to implode? Why do I have to get nauseous, light-headed, sweaty, have difficulty breathing because of rapid breathing and my heart’s beating a mile a minute?

Why can’t I be like the normal people I see around me?

Because I’m not. I wish I was but I’m not. I’m the loner who stays to herself because it’s safer (although I do also enjoy, sometimes). I don’t feel like my body’s going to implode when I stay in my bubble. I may occasionally get depressed because of it but that’s still better than the feelings of discomfort and panic that occur when I try to step out of my bubble.

Maybe I will not contact the anxiety program at the hospital. My body will most likely thank me for not putting it through the symptoms that come with my anxiety. I know my heart-rate and breathing are already slowing down just thinking about not phoning them.

Besides, when I am at work, I see the growth I have accomplished with my anxiety disorder and maybe, just maybe that growth is enough I don’t need to call them and can continue to grow in it by myself.