The Need to Leave

Do you ever feel like you need to leave your past completely behind but you feel stuck in the place you’re in? Do you ever feel like you need a change of scenery? And because of circumstances you’re stuck where you are?

That’s where I’m at right now. Actually it’s where I’ve been for the past several months if not longer. But because of fear and financial reasons I cannot leave yet.

Past

I guess I should tell you why I have the need to leave the community I have lived in my whole life. To start, I have to go back to the past.

I didn’t have a horrible childhood but if anyone has read some of my more personal blog posts, they’ll know that it has affected me greatly. You can read some of those posts if you want to know more than I’ll say here.

Looking back on my high school years, the only real positives I can take out of those four years are the awards I won for my grades and my short-lived acting career.

Through most of high school I felt like I never fit in. I got along well with most people but I felt like I was always on the outside looking in and people just wanted to get homework answers from me.

I attended my church’s youth group and outside of school, it was my social life. I would usually enjoy it but by the end of the events I would be depressed. I can’t remember a time where I would leave youth group and not be depressed. I would try to leave before I would get depressed but I was never able to. I always felt forgotten by the end of every event. I didn’t fit in and no one noticed when I left.

Present

The memories of those dark feelings have followed me through the years and makes me not attend my church’s college and career group with a lot of the same people. I’m also not the same person I was then and am sometimes afraid of reverting.

At first when I “graduated” from youth group to the college and career group, I attended every event until I couldn’t make a few events in a row because I was busy those days. I stopped going for a while after that. Over the past three years I have maybe attended a handful of times.

I used to make excuses to myself for why I couldn’t go but several months ago, I questioned why I felt like I had to make excuses to myself and discovered the true reason for why I never attended. It was because of what I said at the beginning of this section.

Also, the handful of times I’ve gone, I’ve felt like I didn’t belong and went home feeling melancholy. The only reason I didn’t go home depressed was because I’d gained some coping skills but I was heading that direction after all those events.

I also have issues with my church and my pastor that make me feel like I need to leave my community which I don’t relate to anymore but that’s for another post because otherwise this post will get too long.

Future

I need to leave my hometown. But right now because of my financial situation, I can’t yet. I’m also going to school but I’m thinking of getting a job elsewhere so I have to move away after I’m done my program. I feel like in order for me to grow both spiritually and emotionally I need to leave the community I’ve grown up in. Unfortunately because of circumstances I’m stuck here for at least one more year. But after that, I hope to be gone and maybe never return.

P.S. Here is a video I created telling the story of my journey with my self-esteem if anyone wants to watch it.

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