The monster that tries to eat me alive is threatening to overtake me again. It is that dreaded thing called insecurities. I have too many of them. I know I do. But the insecurity monster doesn’t want to leave me alone. I was doing well at ignoring the monster but in the last while it has started to rear its ugly head again. Only this time, the monster is focused on my writing.
In the past few weeks, I have promoted my book more and more and more people are buying it and reading it. I also did a book giveaway on goodreads.com and gave away three copies of my book. I had my rural municipality put up an article about my book and I on their webpage and a local newspaper contacted me to do a feature on my book as well. I’ve corresponded with someone who may critique my newest book. I also re-read my book, Love Unrealized because it had come to my attention that there were a few typos in it.
I probably shouldn’t have re-read it. Fixing the few typos was a good thing but reading my book again fed my insecurity monster. I was becoming very critical of my book as I was reading it and finding everything that was wrong with it. I started doubting whether my book was good and whether people would even want to read it.
With all the attention I’ve got about my book and having more and more people read it, the more and more my insecurity monster grows. It asks me why anyone would want to read something I’ve written. What makes me think I could write something in such a way that people would actually pay for it and spend their time reading it? What if they don’t like it? What if they do? Would people even tell me if they don’t like it? Am I fooling myself that I can even write well?
My insecurity monster is the main reason I haven’t tried getting my book published by a real publisher. I doubt they would like my ideas. I doubt they would want to publish anything I write. I doubt I could even write well enough they would even consider publishing my books. I doubt if I could do the marketing thing. I doubt I could meet their deadlines. I just doubt a lot of things when it comes to me and my abilities.
I sometimes wonder if I doubt myself so much because of my provincial ELA exam in grade 12. For the writing piece at the end of the exam, I wrote a story. I thought it had been okay. It wasn’t my best piece but I didn’t think it was that bad. When I got my marks back from the exam, it was my story that had brought my mark down. The worst part was I had received a 2 out of 5 on my ideas. I was crushed. My ideas had failed. I became depressed because of that exam and sometimes wonder if I did so bad on my story, why I even bother writing anymore. If my ideas fail, why do I even try?
I am an overachiever filled with self-doubts. Right now, those self-doubts are feeding my insecurity monster and he is growing. I hope one day my insecurity monster will leave me alone for good but now it is filling me with doubts about my writing.